pissed off, AGAIN!

yes, AGAIN! why? one idiot actually made an effort to message me in Pingbox and refused to tell me his/her name and dare to admit that he/she is my friend. what's so confidential anyway? solutions? i told him/her, F*** OFF!

P/s: to whom it may concerned, i dont care who you are, but will it hurt just to introduce yourself? to others, DONT MESSAGE ME IN THIS FEW HOURS!

the end,

Tasha

Pissed off

Just dropping by to write a note that i'm pissed with one of Malaysia's service provider. which one? you give it a guess! the point is I'M PISSED!

Law School?

time: 6:38 a.m.
venue: home
mood: cranky?
currently: chatting with the guy! lol..

Endy,
i have something to tell you... i dont know either i should tell you or not. anyway, how are you doing? this entry gonna take a bit of time to finish, since i'm chatting with him. i've been crazy to tell you this for a long long time. i gave it a thought and i decided to inform you. ok the story goes like....

i went to MPH with Maryam and some other girls. we were looking for great great books to buy. we sat there for hours. arguing over books and the place was crowded. it's kinda stuffy inside there. so we quickly buy our book and get our ass out of there. when i reach home, i check out all of the book. my novel, my magazine and my law book. yeah... i've got an offer to study law in one of the local U. that's the big news. then, next day, i packed my stuff and off to my new hostel. once i reach there, unpacked my stuff and all, i just sleep on my bed. 

next morning, i woke up, coz there's such noise from outside. my hostel is like a L shape building. i'm in 5th floor. the warden came to our room, my roommate ask me to get up. apparently, the warden look kinda fierce. ok, i have 3 roommates, who currently look so scared. i tried to make conversation with the warden, if i'm not mistaken, name Lily. then, i went out to the corridor, i saw lots of people outside. along the corridor, downstairs on the court which is right in front of my hostel, and the building in front of us. 

funny, the hostel is a boy-girl hostel. funny, why? because hello, this is malaysia and it's local U! on the other building, the exact 5th floor, right facing my door, the stand on of my old old friend that i know from PLKN. ok that's strange. i tried to yell his name but my voice just wont come out. then.... there's a big force that pull me, like a strong wind, moving extremely fast, as if i'm traveling over time.

Then.... 

I WAKE UP!

yeah... what a bull shit dream i have. this is what you get when you slept one whole day. yes, when i say one whole day means one whole day! i woke up and i can feel my heart beat is really fast. my adrenalin is like gonna pour out any time. ok, that's not a good example, is it? lol... whatever it is, this dream is weird. yes, i got an offer letter 3 years ago. but i ignored because i dont want to be a lawyer, i wanna be a designer. if this dream have something to do with what we call a sign, then lets see if i dream it again in this short period. 

what about you guys? what do you think? any thoughts on this? i'm definitely googling this dream. hahahhaha...

feeling strange,
Tash

Lagenda Budak Setan!

time: 7:07 a.m.
venue: back in 90s.
mood: excited.
currently: just finished blog-hopping.

Endy,
does this title ring a bell for you? yeah... i was kinda thrilled when i saw an entry bout this Lagenda Budak Setan (LBS), written by a famous malay writer, Ahadiat Akashah(AA) in one of my favourite blog. ok, i was just flipping through pages of blog that i've always visit, and i reached Leeds page and she is talking about LBS gonna go over the silver screen. YES. the best novel he had ever write is finally going on film! 

OMG OMG... i'm so excited that it's finally gonna be a film. although i think that it will never be the same as reading the novel itself. come on, LBS is as thick as the Oxford dictionary, you think they will be able to fit in every beautiful detail in about 2 hours movie? nahh... but still... i think it's gonna be great and i'm seriously gonna watch it. i grew up during this time and i'm sure i'll enjoy the movie. 

i dont really read malay novel as much as english novel, but i adores this one. believe it or not, i'm a personal collector of AA's novel. i love them a lot. i almost forget bout this LBS until i flip through the news! how i adore all the character and how i love and hate the ending! yeah... i'm divided when it comes to the ending. i'd prefer him to be with Ayu. ok ok... i shouldnt be talking bout the story. most of you guys wont understand what the hell am i talking about since i know no one read this book but me. and sorry, it's in malay, so for those who dont understand malay, dont ask me to translate the story. 

ok peeps... i gotta go... i suddenly remember my whole rack of novels that i left few years ago when i graduated from high school. gotta find all the novels he wrote. i'll write more, soon.

P/s: i still adore Jane Austen, nevertheless! oh ya... for those who can read malay, do click on AA's website to see thousands of praise for LBS!

scrutinizing,
tash

21 is a slow year...

time: 8:23 a.m.
venue: home
mood: EXTREMELY bored.
currently: Feeling like i wanna talk to you.

Endy,
yes, 21 is really a lonely year for me. feels like i'm out of my track. used to have lots of friend. used to have lots of party to attend to. used to have lots of girlfriend night out. WHATEVER happen to all that?? YES.. this is all my choice. to change my path of life. to stop making late night friends. to avoid all of my college-mates. to stop contacting every single georgian. to stop calling everyone that used to know me. i even deleted my phone list. yes, the whole 327 people, except mom, dad, maryam, my beloved and tiqah. yeah... this top 5 people in my life. 

WHY? because i dont want to face their question when we meet up. their regular question is "how's studies?", "how's degree?", "you must be fantastic in class!", "what you gonna do after degree? master?" and all sort of college stuff. man, i'm telling you, i dont have answer to any of those. WHY? because i'm not even in college. i cant face them and tell them i didnt accept the offer for degree. i mean, i'm a bright girl in college. i even argue over lecturer's capabilities of teaching and i doubt that they're smart enough to have that power of teaching. everybody will wonder why did i drop out of college. why? why? why? 

i dont want anybody to feel sorry for me. so, to all my friend, i'm sorry that i deleted you guys on my list. i just needed some space. i need new environment. i'm really thinking of moving somewhere. start a new life where nobody knows me. it's really exciting because i could meet new people and have new perspective bout life and forget bout my degree. god damn it. it really hurts to be left out. to be frank, i dont believe in the power of education no more. i really dont. ok, lets re=programme my brain. MONEY IS EVERYTHING. and yes, i mean it. money brought my family down. money force me to break up with someone. money is the reason why i'm a dumb ass now. get it? so the key point here is... i dont need education. all i need is money. 

ok enough bout that pathetic thoughts. what happen to me since i last write? well, nothing much. i celebrate my birthday with friends. just a simple lunch with lots of gossip. i wear a nice blue pattern dress. my parents bought me a chocolate cake, which they dont know, i dont really like chocolate. they're too busy with work than to understand their daughter, maybe. lots of email, messages, phone call, YM, and MSN wishes. which i dont really pay attention to. sorry people. just being gloomy. i'm fine now.

next day, i went to Gurney with Amir, have lunch before i drop him at the ferry station. i was blurrr what's for lunch. we walk in and out, finally got ourselves stuck at Chilis which is right at the entrance. then i went to my mom's shop. have to settle up some work. waited till 9, then i left. my mom asked me to go to "pasar malam" (sort of a market at night, sells food, mostly) to find her a nice soya bean drinks. walk through the whole place, still cant get one, so, got fed up and went back home and apologize to my mom. 

i was sick yesterday and i slept the whole day. mom vag at me for being lazy the whole day, without noticing that i'm actually sick. dont want to tell her anyway. i'm on my own now. i'm a big girl, remember? i can even change my religion if i want to. 21 is a big number. this is the year i've been waiting for, actually. i've already dream bout it. at the age of 21, i should now be in my 5th semester of degree. 2nd year of degree. ohh shit... i'm back to the same topic. Endy please shut down my brain!

ok i gotta feel good bout myself now. i gotta do something. get a decent cloth. put up some make up. go out for a walk or something. ok... i'll talk to you soon. take care Endy.

P/s: to my dearest, i'm waiting for your call!

miss my life,
tash

I wish... on my 21st Birthday!

time: 8:13 in the MORNING.

venue: home.

mood: blurrr

currently: thinking bout life.

Endy,

yes i know it's been just few hours back since i last talk to you. still, idea just came in and i just hit the keyboard. the computer is already running anyway. ok, wassup with my title? it's not a random title that just cross my mind as i usually do. it's something that i'm thinking now.

as everyone knows, my birthday is coming soon. i'm gonna turn 21 and hell yeah i dream too much in my life. life is skeptical. you cant dream on it. it always turn its back on you. stab you with a rusty knife. and you'll get hurt badly just when you realize it. tough huh? well, the sooner we learn that fact, the better. i've dream of going to worlds best art school and i'm even accepted there. come on... with my CGPA and my recommendation, i deserved it. the school i've been dreaming of all this year is finally coming. but life just have to act funny with me.

all of the sudden, economy have to be down. my parents have to have crisis. my family is falling apart. why the hell this have to happen now? seriously god, the best birthday present this year will be my tuition fees for college. it's about 89k US dollar, thank you. my parents can afford that, but you made it gone. seriously, is this a big joke? hahahaha... well, i already laugh bout it. can you give it back, like NOW?

omg, i'm turning 21 in 3 freaking days and to think of what i'm doing now, i'm really ashamed to even look at the mirror. a diploma? omg. such a stupid girl i am. i want to be educated. i want to go back to college. what the hell is wrong with the whole world? i saw it with my own eyes. OVER-privilledge kids are fooling around in college that i work hard for and they got to continue making silly mistake, re-taking each classes semester by semester?? i really feel like it's unfair. i'm 21. no more time for jokes. i wanna have my own studio by the age of 29. it's all planned. did you read my diary of the year 1998?? i can show you my enthusiasm towards my future. i've been dreaming of being a designer since primary school. what the heck? yes, you can call me nerd or moron or whatever you want. i know what i want in life and i want it back!

you know, since i was 12, i have this favorite TV series that i watch again and again, until now. it have seven seasons and i think i watch all 7 seasons like 20 times. why? because i love the character. a girl with vision. a girl who knew what she always wanted since the beginning and she's doing great at it. you know what's the best part of it? in season 6 she is 21 years old, having a steady life, studying in one of the best university in the world and a great social life. she's got connection!

yeah, it's just a movie. a TV series. maybe for you. lots of kids out there adore Cinderella story and bla bla bla. you know, all those fairytale stories that keep giving hint to people that a prince is a great guy to marry. well, this TV series is my fairytale. i wanted to be like this girl. successful in life. the best part of the series is the ending of season 7. she rejected her bf's proposal just because she wanna catch her dream. well, that's exactly what i'm talking here, my friend. that's suppose to replace all of the crappy fairytale story.

shit, i have to stop watching this series. it's really killing me. i'm so far away from her. i used to think i have such a similar life like her. studying well and graduate with good grades. i just wish... just one wish ever in my life...

I WANNA CONTINUE MY STUDIES!

is it so hard to fulfill?? i dont understand. seriously. just because i'm an art major, doesnt make me an idiot. i could study law. i could study medicine. i could study accounting. i know my brain is good enough for all that. but the think is... i choose ART. because i love them hell a lot! do you know that in Malaysia, a 4.0 in art is nothing compared to 3.0 and above of science stream??? oh yeah... let me tell you that! they only want people from a "CRITICAL" course to apply for loans or scholarship. ok whatever. i was a science student and i did good. just because i chose art, i'm suddenly useless? come on. gimme a break.

in sunway, i used to rent condo with those so-called brainy girl. they study in Monash in a "CRITICAL" course. if i'm not mistaken, it's biotechnology, mechanical engineering and some other SCIENCE maniac stuff. honestly, i digest that subject better than them. you should be there when they're studying for test. they're basically memorizing every single line of the book they bought for their senior. i bet they dont even understand the the book. and i hate it when they're trying to show off their new phone or laptop which is bought using their scholarship money.

ok Endy. i'm getting more and more depressed now. lets change the topic. on the other hand, my mom bought for me 9 new dresses. yay! more dress for me. she also bought make up for me. things that i love bout being a girl. you can never shop too much and you can never run out of fashion to buy! thanks mom. love ya for that. yes, i know you shop when you're not feeling good bout dad. i can see that even though you're in denial. Endy, she even cut her long pretty hair. man, i know for a reason that she love her hair so much. no idea why she cut it short.

i've been telling maryam that we're gonna start our exercise routine today. i hope it work out. i mean, i have a totally different schedule than her. i have to help out in my mom's shop. she have to help out in her mom's shop or taking care of the household stuff. i've gain so much weight. i'm gonna be an ugly fatty bimbo soon. well, maybe i'm already there. my jeans cant fit anymore. damn it! i love those jeans. i wanna be able to wear them once again. ok just gimme some time and i'll be able to do that real soon. i promise to myself. lol... Yam if you're reading this, i need your HELP! lol... i wanna look great by the time Tiqah land here in Malaysia.

speaking of her, she did call me from Bangalore. it's kinda cheap to call Malaysia. if i'm not mistaken, she told me it's about 20 cents per minute. that's even cheaper than calling local operator. we talk quite a lot that night. i'm so glad that she called. at least i know there's someone out there in another part of the world actually believe in my capabilities. god, i miss her. i miss cakes and coffee session with her. i miss the "arguing" which guy is hot with her. i miss being confused with her in the BIG mall of MidValley. i miss watching movies with her, movie that only both of us ended up understand while others are in complete blurr. thank god she's coming back sometime July or August. i've been waiting for that moment. having coffee in Dome - our official fav coffee house - while gossiping bout everything, updating each other's life and talk crap bout future. yes, we do dreams to travel around the world together. just us, girls. we even plan to buy our first LV bag together, with our own salary. not supplied by mom or dad or BF or whatever that affiliates with the word BF. well, that's us. i'm glad that Tiqah is actually halfway there through her dreams. yeah, i'm stuck here but i'll work it out. maybe buy a lottery that worth 89k???

Endy, i've talk so much today. let me dismiss you from reading. have a beautiful day. bye!

soon-to-be birthday girl,

Tash

It's been a while

time: 10.29 p.m.

venue: home, Penang.

mood: errr...

currently: just came back from the shop.

Endy,

i just came back from my mom's shop. business is kinda slow today. still, it's tiring just to sit there and wait for customer. it's been half months since i last write to you. i miss you, Endy. i'm really sorry. i'm just not in the mood to go online. i dont6 feel the urge to go online. reasons? none! lol... i hope i will write more soon...

my birthday is coming soon. three days to go to my birthday. yet, i still have no plans for my birthday. actually, i can just call my dudes and ask them to go out with me. the thing is... i dont even inform any of them that i'm home. only few of them know that i'm home. lol.... so, what's your suggestion for the party? and please... no clubbing! it's my 21st birthday and i want something soothing. something more laid back and chilly. no more loud music. sometimes i kinda got sick of it. lol...

as for medo, we talk every few days. he called me and we talk bout our daily life. nothing much. just some casual talk and then i make him hang up the phone. i dont want him to bare with the bills later on. lol... i hope he's having a great fun there. dont miss me so much ok. some time apart might be a good thing for us. to evaluate our feelings and conditions. but hey, dont get it wrong.

Endy,

i'm going out now. i'll talk to you soon.

P/s: to whom it may concern, I MISS YOU dearly.

truth,

tasha

Leaving for Penang in 1 hour or so...

time: 11.11 a.m.
venue: Home filled with love.
mood: Sad, sad, sad.
currently: Finished packing.

Endy,
i've settle everything. kinda clean the room, the kitchen, the rubbish bin, to make sure there's no weird thing accumulating when i came back 2 months from now. all of the task are done. half of my stuff is already in the car. last thing to pack is my make up, teddy bear, heels and of course, my laptop. i cant live without my laptop. i'd die.

i feel really really sad to leave this house. even it's just 2 months. this is the house where i learn how to love. this is the house where i learn to fit in. this is the house which witness every sadness and happiness occurred in my life. he really did it. he makes me feel safe in this house. so warm and comfortable, even when it's just a small condo.

ok, i'm shutting down my laptop. gotta hit the road. my bro is waiting in Ipoh. gotta fetch that bitch. lol...

p/s: b, i hope u come back to this house and see you once again, at your desk. love you.

will be writing in Penang,
Tash