Friday, February 13, 2009

I'm Sick...

time: almost 5 a.m.
venue: hell...
mood: extremely down.
currently: sick, sick, sick and sick.

where are you my dear friend? i need you. i need some strength. i need someone to pamper me. i'm in that uncomfortable zone once again. the zone where i'm sad, but, i dont feel like crying. the zone where my heart had become a stone. real hard and strong. i can feel it.

the feeling of being unwanted and alone. useless and cheap. i just wanted to live well. i just wanted to be happy. this is all i've got. if i'm really troubling, then let me go. i am a woman. a grown woman. no more a little girl who used to be crawling for anyone's reach. i can survive. i knew it.

gosh, i suddenly feel the urge to talk to Nick. why? why? is it because he understand me? i need a friend right now. Tiqah is not here. Maryam is not here. Nick is not here. it's just me and you, Endy. i need to make my decision wisely. do i be the selfish person, or do i sacrifice for others? i miss myself being selsfish. yes, i am a very selfish. i only think about myself. but.... if i dont think about myself, who else gonna think about me? come on, lets face it. where ever you are, only you can think of yourself. only you can take care of yourself. right isn't it?

i'm feeling like i wanna go for a walk. a long walk. a journey that only god will know. walk until my leg hurts. walk until my feet bleed. walk until my stomach feel hungry. yes, i miss that life. it's pathetic, but, atleast i'm carefree on things surrounding me. i need an escapade. when should i start walking Endy? i just want to vanish from people. i don't want them to find me anymore. i want to be alone. then, nobody can ever hurt me anymore.

i'm having a very bad stomach ache now. i don't know why. is it always like this? whenever i'm depressed or something, my body seems to be weak and sick. i want to be healthy, but how? i've been sick for a week. fever and flu comes and go. i cough like all the time. when i cough, it's really painful. i don't know how many time did i puke this week. it's like, whatever i eat, will never get digested. it's all gone.

i will talk to you soon. i promise. whatever i'm doing, i will tell you first. i love you, pal.


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