Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Bad news

time: 11.43 a.m.
venue: home.
mood: scared?
currently: thinking, deeply.

i receive a bad news today. a very bad one. my dad emailed me just now asking for my future plans. well, to be honest, i dont plan anything, at all. yesterday i started feeling excited bout starting a degree. yes, i finally made up my mind that i'm gonna sacrifice my photography studies. i have no choice. i have to move on. no more empty dreams! well, at least, that's what i called it. i check with TOA two days ago, and they do have degree to be done locally.

i was really glad bout it. for once, i could feel that i'm not gasping for air. of course, i wanted the best education for myself. so far, i can see only Raffles and TOA is competent in my course, i mean if i were to do locally. two days ago i could sleep properly, assuming that i will just continue my degree there. total tuition fee will be rm89,000. it's a lot, for a middle class family like us. i was thinking deeply. very very deeply. my mother persuade me to pursue my degree no matter what happen. after much consideration, i agreed.

with a global ecomony crisis, our business is not doing well. my father had informed me that the company had cut 15% of their salary. he asked me, what's my plan? well, as a daughter, what else can i do to makes him happy? i was waiting for him to reply my email. it took so long that i cant take the urge. i then called him. i told him, it's ok, i quit. i know, he sounded worried just now when he was talking to me. he sounded guilty. i was trying to sound cool. i bite my lips, so that i wont cry when i talk to him. i want to be strong. yes, he told me it's temporary. but how long is "temporary"? i dont want to burden him with my needs. i will just let it go. i need to think about my brother. he's gonna start his diploma soon.

i was shaking when i talk to my dad. because this is the biggest decision i've ever make in my life. a decision to sacrifice for my family. in order to see us standing tall together, i have to do this. i hold the phone with all my strength. my voice was flat. no tone. at least, i was not crying when i talk to him! i manage to control my emotion! i talk to him for 15 minutes, discussing on our plans. then, i said, i have no plan for now. let me just go with the flow. every plan seems to fail. yes, i take it. i chew it. i swallow it. the truth. the truth that i cant pursue my higher education. it's ok. i'm still fine with everything.

ok.... i admit it... i did cry a bit after i hang up.

next, i dial my mom's number. as usual, she's busy and she asked me to call her again. she sounded very cheerful. once i told her the decision, i could hear her voice change. it's like, i ruined her day. i'm sorry mama. i didnt mean to make you miserable. again, i talked in a flat tone. i dont even know what to say. she comfort me. she says, i'm still young. i dont have to worry. she asked me to hang on for 1 or 2 years.

while i'm typing this post, i'm also replying my dad's mail which keeps coming occasionally. i tried to call medo. i need him now. i need him badly. i need a big hug Endy. deep inside, there's a big wound. i need him to comfort me. his phone is off! i knew he's having class now. i told him not to go class this morning, because i dont feel good. now i know why i dont feel good. if i know this is gonna happen, i will totally stop him from going class just now! but i know i cant. at least he's having his chance to study his degree. i shouldnt disturb his studies. i'm sorry.

my dad apologize to me because he cant help it, but to stop my education. it's ok dad. it's ok. i can go through this. even now... i'm already checking out some jobs. i will get a decent job and settle down. yes, i cry like a little girl... but i'm stronger than i seems. dont worry. bye bye to degree. good bye to "student" title. throw it far far away.

i need some time to be alone. i have to go ok? thanks for listening to me, my dear friend. how i wish you were here to hug me and comfort me. i know that's impossible. i need to cancel my appointment with Samah too. i promised him that i'm going to meet him for my drawings. the drawing is for my degree entry portfolio. guess i dont need it now. see you.



dekkai said...

alahai tasha :(



hidup kena teruskan :)

da hikmat disebalik semua neh!

Natasha said...

thanks dekkai... at least aku tau kawan2 aku ambik berat pasal aku... it's ok ler... no choice... ko tu blaja rajin2... jgn jadi cam aku... ok? hehhe... cik abg ko sihat ke?

an2raya said...

patutlah hari ni, tiba2 hati ku tergerak nak baca apa hang tulis, walaupun aku tak minat english. rupa2nya kawan aku ni ada masalah. sabar je lah tasha, maybe ada jalan lain yang lebih baik, dari jalan yang ko lalui sekarang.

Natasha said...

ntah la faz... aku tatau nak buat ape skang... but i have to get up and start a new life... anyway... thanks for being such a caring friend... i do appreciate it...

fazrin2211 said...

ape nak buat, tawakal je la,eheehe


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