Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Missing someone badly!

Time: 6.21 a.m.
Venue: My room
Mood: Sad
Condition: half of my willingness to life are gone!
Currently: missing him!

Endy,
as i told you, i've been dating one of my senior these few days.... well, i liked him... and i knew he likes me too... hurm... i think today i'm going to tell him that i need to pull this over... i'm being fake... yes, i like him... but i dont love him... he's getting serious now... he wants me to be loyal to him... how am i suppose to be loyal to him while i'm loving and missing someone else? i cant be cheating on him...i dont want to hurt anybody... i know it hurts... because i've been through it... so i better call it out... i'm sorry... but i have to be frank with myself... i check my email just now... i check my folders... i have one folder that i'll save all of my favourite mails from friends... i suddenly saw 1 mail from him.... i already forgotten that i have that mail... it was an image edited by him... it says,

If you need a place to hide,
you can hold my hand for a while.
If your skies begins to fall,
I'll stay with you till you smile....

well, it might be just a normal word for others.... but it meant a lot for me... i've receive so much promises from him... well.. i dont blame anybody for everything that happen... i'm just here thinking where did i go wrong? in the past few days, i found out that few of my seniors are admiring me... i was shocked.... why all of the sudden? their excuse is they're scared that i might have someone in my life... well, i told them that i'm single... but i'm not available... i prefer to be alone... i even said it to one of the guy that i've been admiring since 2nd day in college... a very nice guy... but yet, he's not my type of person...

phew... i forgot to tell you bout the Youth@Research thing huh? haha... well, they said that i'm splendid on that day... i finally decided to wear peach colour baju kebaya.... well, kinda hard to walk since i'm not used to long skirt... hahaa.... but everybody said that i look amazing in that kebaya... hurm... whatever... the thing that matter the most is my work! well, everybody said that i handle the ceremony proffesionally... my voice was gracious and my accent are good... well, that's what they said... i dont know... i was mad at someone on that day, since she's been disturbing my work... she's been changing my emcee script... if she's that good, why dont she become the emcee instead of me and Usaid??? haha... whatever... i dont want to think bout it now...

i skip class yesterday... hurm... the yesterday i'm referring to is Tuesday... i didnt go class at all... phew... how am i gonna survive??? i'm making myself busy with pool now... they said i play like a guy now... i keep hitting the ball with full strength... maybe they're scared now! haha... well, fyi, that's how i play before i stop playing few years back... so, now i'm back!!! hehehehe... but i dont like myself being ignorance to my studies... i need to start putting discipline to myself back!!! need to become the good and angel tasha once again...

oh ya... i have another thing to tell you... i think now almost everybody in SCT know bout the rumours that been spreading around... they said that i'm someone's gf... of course i wont spell out the name here.... well... i dont know what to say... let's see what will happen tomorrow... most of my lecturers knew bout it too... especially miss sophia! phew... i'm gonna get a hard time trying to convince her that i'm not attach to anyone... i'm single!! no more guys after this... i'm tired... tired of being fool and cheated again and again...

Endy,
do you think that i should wait for him??? i love him... i really do... but there's no point of me waiting if he dont even care bout me... he might be attach to someone right now... well, what can i say... everybody wants him... unlike me... nobody wants me! well, minus all of the guys who admire me anyway... hehe... they're seriously not my type... as for nick... he's driving me crazy... his mom called my mom... telling her that me and him should get engage... crazy! there's no way that i'm going back to that guy! he's a nice guy... but it's impossible for us to live together... i know exactly who he is! i told my mom that he's no more my sweetheart.... i'm in love with someone else, even though that person doesnt love me... he dont even care bout me... but the most important thing is... i dont lie to myself... i'm being frank here to myself saying that i love him... yes, i know i should move on... i will... but it takes time... i'm gonna take my own sweet time... i'm still young... come on... i'm just 19! i have at least another 50 years to life on this earth... well, whatever it is.. i'm now 90% healed... just 10% stuck there with him... and i'm trying my best to get back my heart from him!i need it back to start a new life...

well, now i guess he's happy with his girl... i told him that i'm not gonna contact him anymore... i'm just gonna wait here for him... and until this second, i still manage to stop myself from messaging, calling and PMing him on MSN... i dont want to disturb him anymore... it's enough of me being hurt here... i dont want any other girls to face the same problem too.... and the most important thing of all... i know he just want to get rid of me... so, that's what i did... i do him a favor... i get rid of myself from him... i know he wont tell me to stop contacting him... because he's that kinda person... he dont speak... not like me... i speak my heart out! now, i guess he's having a peaceful life there without my name...

Natasha Farhana Leow,
you're born to be the winner... you're born to have the limelight... you're born to lead... you're born to have a successful life! well, you shouldn't be sa anymore... why the hell did you cry yesterday afternoon? you cry over a love song? ridiculous!did u see how stupid you are? longing for someone that dont even care bout you!everybody look up on you... why should you look back and cry while everybody is expecting you to do great? everybody beleives that you'll make a change... a major one! you did it before... why not now?? it's not that you're not used to it! use your loud voices to help others! use your capability of public speaking to change everyone's thinking! i thought that was your main issue before this??? you wanna fight for liberalization, right? where is that ambitious Tasha? has she gone mad or something? where is your women's right proposal? start to work on it! grab back your level of confidence... you're doing great now... everybody actually notice you now! almost everybody in school recognise you now... so, find the right time to shoot the issues! you're not looking for attention... it's just your nature that people pay attention on you! it's not because of your style or dress up... it's the way you bring yourself! stop hiding because no matter how hard you try to hide, people will still notice that Natasha is right there... they notice you for your uniqeness... come on Tasha... wake up from this nightmare! your studies need you... your company need you... how will the textile business gonna run if you didnt pay attention on it??? you're doing great on importing it!! dealing with dealers all over Malaysia... you're doing a good job! you're a very good executive marketing person... keep it up!

phew.... what the hell? i'm i praising myself too high? haha... who cares... i'm back... my level of confidence are reaching the skies now... well, you can call it ego or pride... whatever... because i just dont care anymore... i felt better now!! thanks for being here with me Endy... how i wish that you're still here on earth... maybe i'll fall in love with you! hahaha...such a gentleman... i adore you! Serena is very lucky to have you as her guy... it's just that fate didnt allow us to be together... but she's doing great... she's happy with her work now... i met her sometimes for cup of coffee... but deep in her eyes, i could see how much she loves you... until today Endy... she couldnt forget you... i could see that... dont worry... i'll have an eye on her.... i'll monitor her for you...

ok Endy... i better get some rest today... i'm tired... i went to AC last night... then we went to A&W and ss13 for supper and straight to Golden Break Pool just nearby the Mentari Court... hehe... i dont know how many hours i played today... i guess it's my passion now! haha... ok, see you soon... i love you pal! byebye....

longing for you,
Natasha Farhana Leow

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