Thursday, June 05, 2008

Family Crisis + Final Sem = Fucked up Tasha

Time: 1.56 a.m. (according to my phone)
Venue: Medo's place
Mood: Fucked up!
Condition: Worried
Currently: Thinking of my parents...

Endy,
again, i have to apologise from you... i know it's been a while since the last time i talk to you... and i have to apologise once again for being such a selfish friend... i'm only here when i'm having problem... Endy, i really need you now... i need all of my friend to be here beside me... i need Yam... i need Tiqah... My parents argue to the max nowadays... well, you know that i dont talk on family matters here. but right now... i just need to talk to you... i really do... my biggest problem now is i dont know who's lying... is it my dad who's having another girl, or is it my mom who's turning crazy? since last week, i've been listening to their complaint towards each other... my ears started to bleed by now... too much unsure things... yes.. i know everybody will ask me... why dont they sit down and talk??? the problem here is... my dad thinks that my mom is an idiot and my mom believe that my dad is a hot-tempered, egoistic guy (which is true). so... i dont know who to believe now... and i dont want to choose to believe any of them.. i'm not on anyone's side... i tell my mom, if u cant take it anymore, then just call it a break... there's no point living with someone that you couldnt respect anymore... i mean, that's for me.. me and her, we're totally a different person...

my mom called the girl that my dad were dating(that's what she said), and that girl complaints to his boss... so, my dad is getting the smash over there... he asked my mom and she refuse to admit that it's her... so just now when i was nicely trying to sleep, my dad forward to me a sms that he wrote to my mom, saying that he's gonna report to the police about the number that called that girl... my mom is worried right now... she asked me what to do... well, my solution is, to report that the number they used as lost... well, i dont know either this is a good way... for me, now both of them are having a very high ego conflict that will never be resolve if they dont sit down and talk as an adult...

well, as for my side... i'm so fucking stress right now... this is my final sem.. i keep telling them that fact over and over again... yes, i know they needed someone to help them out.. or at least someone to listen... but come on... do i need to talk on the phone like 1 hour for each of you EVERYDAY? this is so stressful... i'm supposed to pass up my 3D assignment on 4th June and i couldnt finish rendering the model(thanks to this fucked up slow laptop), so i decided to pass it up on Friday... which means, i'll lose 5 marks for late submission... i have no choice... i rather lost 5 marks than passing up a fucked up work... next week i'll be having my programming test... and i have to pass up the programming assignment by next week too... next two weeks is the deadline for my video assignment and i dont even start anything yet... i'm being busy thinking about this matter... well, i'm not trying to put the blame on them... and i'm not being lazy... it's just that, in my field(multimedia), we cant force ourself to do work... it's not easy to create a piece of art... i mean, how do you expect me to create an art when my heart is scattered everywhere??? whatever it is, i thank gods that the oracle assignment deadline is in July... but i still need to worry on my final project... the website...

Endy,
frankly speaking, i have too many things that i wanna talk to you... but i just dont have the time to sit and type everything... i'm worried bout my parents, A LOT! anyway, i hope things will get better for me... i know i'm not having the worst condition right here... but i just cant keep it to myself anymore Endy... my dreams on my photography world is gone... i'm trying to live my life with the fact that i'll never pursue my degree in photography anymore... and now, my parents is making another fuss... i'm depressed... i'm frustrated... i'm sad... i'm down... but, i know i will survive this... tasha survive anything... it's just matter of time...

Endy,
i'm having period pain right now... awfully painful... and my head started to get dizzy now... the wire cant take the load of problem that is inside i guess... my body started to get weak... my mood is pulling off... the only one that makes me smile is him... i know he's worried about me.. and i really thank god that i have him now... he really care bout me... he understand me, VERY WELL! Honey, thanks for being here with me... i do appreciate it.. and i'm sorry if i hurt you with my silentness... i just dont know what to answer when you asked me "are you ok?" you know i cant lie to you... so if i answer yes, means i'm lying and you'll know it straightaway, since you know me very well... and if i say no, means you'll be worried bout me... trust me, i'll be fine... i just need some space... to sit and think about all this shit... and also... most important thing of all, MY FUTURE!

Bye Endy!

i'm their daughter,
their one and only,
Natasha


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