Happy Belated birthday natasha.

Time: 11.40 p.m.

Venue: Home.

Mood: i dont know.

Endy,

it's been a while since we last talk. honestly, i miss you. i miss talking to you everyday. i dont know why i dont have the urge to type lately. was it the environment, or was it just me? there's million things i wanna share with you. it's just that, i dont know how to begin with.

i am 22 this year. i turn 22 last week. yes, last week was my birthday. hundreds of people wishes me happy birthday, without knowing that i was having a high fever. i had a throat infection and i'm still healing until today. hopefully, i'll be better tomorrow. i barely eat anything. is this a sign from god? saying that i dont behave well?

what do i achieve at this age? i didnt see anything great about me. i'm suppose to finish degree this year, but i dont even enroll in any course. i'm so lost in this life. lost track of time, lost track of life. sometimes i feel like i'm gasping, warping for help. i just didnt see 10 years from now. what am i gonna be? i want to be higher than this. i want to be that Tasha that i dream off. but how?

i think i've put too much expectation in myself. i thought that it was good. now, i could see that it's just ruining my life. i dont want something called whimsical in my storyline. i want success. i want A. i want number 1. i want THE BEST. that's something everyone would want in life. the question is, HOW? do you ever stop and think about this? how do we reach the highest level of society? how do we reach the highest level of a human being?

on my birthday, my mother send me a very meaningful birthday sms. she said, in life, we can never give up. she says, we cant quit. because quitting is just losing. i was wondering if she saw me falling apart? is it that obvious that i broke my heart into pieces and it was never patch? was it that obvious that i'm so frustrated with life that i just let it be? was it that obvious that i GAVE UP in my studies? was it?

Studies: GONE

Love: GONE

Family: GONE

Life: ????

how do i fill that question mark?

Happy 22nd Birthday Tasha. Just another year of being nobody.

i hate my life,

Tash

Happiest day

Time: 3:50 a.m.

Venue: My room, Penang.

Mood: Extremely happy.

Dearest Endy,

I, hereby, announce that today is one of the happiest day in my life. ok, let's trace what i did today. i got up at 11 and be prepared for work. my mom asked me to help her in her shop today, i agreed with no hesitation. i'm suppose to handle one fussy customer today, i hell yes i know she's damn annoying. i almost lose my temper. thankfully, i tried my best to talk nicely to her. after 2 hours, i manage to get rid of her and continue chatting. oh ya, forget to tell ya that i'm so melayu today. i wear baju kurung to work. lol. Why?

i have to go to Aiza's house. her father is holding a tahlil ceremony for her late mom. her family had been such a darling to me. they treat me as if i'm part of the family. i'm always happy there. such a big happy family. very different from where i came from. i felt love here. i reach at her place around 9. they made me eat rice!! lol. then we were talking and talking and talking. bla bla bla. yada yada yada. snap a picture to upload to Facebook. the best part of tonight... they said that i lost weight, a lot! hahahahahahaha. Aiza was so jealous. she brought a handful of cream puff, made by Kak Muhaini, for me to dig in! damn. i lost to the temptation. i ate 4 of them! damn you Aiza!

Kak Linda invited me to her place tomorrow afternoon. they'll be having birthday party for her son. so i guess i'll drop by tomorrow. at about 12, i went to Has' place to return her stuff. she was half awake when i reach her place. lol. we're suppose to go to Mc Donald's Greenlane today. it's ok. it can wait. next thing in my head, is a nice warm shower. i'm so sticky and dirty. i was helping Kak Marina cleaning up everything, packing up food for guest and arranging everything back in order. this is something that we didnt see everyday, dont you think? lol. nah, i'm just happy there. Aiza is so lucky to have such a great family.

just when i open the front door, my mom came down. i gave her the cash for today. i'm too scared to leave it in the shop as it can get lost easily. she just came back from kl and she bought lots of new stuff. she wanted to show me, but i told her to hold till tomorrow. i'm just so worn out! first thing i did was, TURN ON MY VAIO! lol. i admit, i'm an internet junkie. i could be glued to the PC forever. i called Nord on skype. we talk a bit. i check my facebook notification. then, im off to the bathroom. phew... it's refreshing. ok back to my vaio, surfing the net, bla bla bla. then, i receive a PM from Imran. he said he wants to call me.

oh ya, sorry for not updating for so long. we've been contacting each other for quite some time now. i mean, after i broke up with you-know-who ( p/s: i bet he doesnt want his name to be mention in my blog anymore). Imran ask me my number. he claims that he lost it. i was pretending to be mad. lol. well, it's normal to lose someone's number after 3 years of breaking up. anyway, imran, if you're reading this, you know that i bought 012 number 4 years back because of you! i'm such a keeper right? i kept that number til today! never ever change my number. because i was hoping that you will call one fine day.

and...

today is that "one fine day" i've been talking about. but it's not how i imagine it. i was expecting myself to cry and sobs all the way. instead, i was basically laughing and laughing and laughing. i'm really happy. not that i expected anything from you. just an innocent phone call from an old buddy from college. trust me, that phone call is so refreshing. you know, the idea of you and me talking to each other on the phone, mesmerizing memories and teasing each other, it's just fun. oh wait, you dont allow me to remember you as "fun". let me rephrase. it's just LOVELY.

did you realize that we talk for 1 hour. that's long. seriously. you know that i dont really talk on the phone that much. but that 1 hour pass so fast that i lost count on time. i'm just plain happy. happy to hear your voice. happy to hear bout your success. happy to hear you nag bout your boring routine. happy to hear you talk bout your passion over cars. most important thing of all, i'm happy to hear that you're happy, and of course, happy to hear that you succeed in life, excellently. well, it wont hurt to know that your ex are very successful in life. just for old time sake. it's never too late to be friends now, right?

yes, that was the best way to conclude today. it was a tiring and frustrating day at first. but the reward sort of came in the end. thank you god, for making me smile. i believe, today's smile is like the most sincere i've ever had, for years. i'm just happy. trust me, nothing could ruin this good mood right now. nothing! not even the news i heard from a friend of mine in the afternoon. well, the gossip they made bout me really sucks. but, hell yeah. i dont care. because, i'm just happy, and i know, i'm way better than that girl who talk rubbish on me. trust me, you gotta do better than that to make me stop smiling today.

P/s: he still calls me Natasha.

truth,

Natasha

Lesson from a white cat

watch this White Cat in Youtube.

Will you ever love someone this much?

that you refuse to believe that she's gone?

you keep trying and trying, hoping that miracle would happen.

then...

when you realize that there's nothing you could do...

you just sit there and wait.

you don't know what to do.

all you want to do, is to be there for her.

thank you, white kitty cat.

you taught me very precious lesson...

....a precious lesson for us, human being.

Tasha