time:3:32 a.m.
venue: home
mood: sad? ahh... that's just typical!
currently: reading my friends' blog!
Endy,
do you know how much i miss being a student? i wish i'm carrying a book to class, carry my heavy laptop to college at night just to do assignment, stay up late to help my friend doing his work, chill in Orange for my fav ice lemon tea and just hanging out with my friend at the site gate.
i miss the pressure of studying. i miss the feeling of being panic when you dont know how to make a robot move in your 3D class. i miss drawing your storyboard just 5 minutes before the lecturer came in. i miss doing tutorial with friends. i miss arguing with lecturer knowing that i've got a better solution. i miss the feeling of being smarter than the lecturer (technically, YES i am). i miss planning pranks on lecturer. i miss all my 14 classmates. i miss the moment when i SMS everyone to runaway from LFC class. i miss calling all the guys "heyyy bugger". i miss them a lot. i miss studying with Tasha, which encourage me to work harder. i miss my database class. i miss my linux class, which i sleep and got A all the time. no idea how i do it. but thanks to Suba for the coding i photocopy from her SUPER-NEAT notes.
I MISS EVERYTHING.
now, all of my friend, my SGGS schoolmates, my collegemates and my good friend is pursuing their degree. i think i'm the only one left behind. i feel so stupid. i'm such an idiot. people went through another exciting phase of life. why cant i get it? i'm not stupid. do you call a 3.55 pointer student stupid? do you? why must a 1.95 student go to degree? how come a lazy dude who skip the class all the time could manage to pursue his degree? you want example? i have a lot of them! i'm so sick of them complaining bout their life. FUCK OFF!
Endy... LIFE IS SO UNFAIR! i'm way behind from my friend. Tiqah is doing her degree. Maryam is finishing Diploma soon and she's gonna continue her degree. Farah is studying. Hasnas is studying. many of them is studying. why cant i do the same? god gave them chance to study. what bout me? did you forget about me? do you know how painful it is to quit my studies? why me? i wanna study. you're so powerful, why cant you make me study?
Dear God,
sometimes, i lost faith in you. yes, i admit, that's murtad. but when to think about it back, many of them didnt do you any good. you still help them in life. i dont need anything else in life. i just want to study. is it a bad wishes? just give me 4 more years of chance before you test me again. let me study. you've tested me greatly during this 10 years. i thought, life was going better when i graduated from my diploma. i didnt feel any better. God, didnt you read all of my blog before this? or you're just too busy fixing OTHERS life and you totally forget about me? did i ever forget about you? i always fight for you. if any of those non-muslim there try to criticize your religion, i always fight back with no hesitation. i put believes in them. but just when they started to believe in you, i began to lost hope in you. how i wish i could deny this feeling.
in front of everybody, i try to act calm. i told them that i'm moving on. i told them i'm just looking for a good job now. but, deep inside me, i'm burning. my heart is scattered into pieces. it never hurt this much. remember when i used to cry to you when i broke up with Imran? this is worst than that, dear God. this is the greatest disappointment in my life. you know, it's so bad till i even think of giving up arts. maybe what my mom said was true in the end. they dont appreciate art. they likes lawyer, doctor, pharmacist, bla bla bla. ok whatever. i'm starting to ramble now.
Dear God,
if you've got a minute, please listen to me. please fix me. i have a corrupted family, argumentative parents and a disappointed 2 little brother. tell me, how do i fix this? tell me, how am i capable of doing all this? i realize that i'm the key of the family. everyone seems to come to me for their problem. what about me? until when should i extend my ego and tells everyone that i'm fine? i'm desperate. i need help. where should i seek it? i'm going home in less than 10 days time. can i even call it home when i dont even feel comfortable staying in it?
Dear God,
before i die, i want to see my highest level of education hanged on my office wall. please, dont let it be just a diploma. please. if you listen to many other girls dream, they will say they wanted a great guy to build a great family. i dont want that. i just want the chance to study. i'm so crushed! so devastated. felt like a loser. please. i've never ask you of anything. nothing. i just have one wish. i just cant take it anymore.
Endy,
i miss myself a lot. i'm sorry for being so sorrow. it's just i cant hide anything from you. i chat with one of my old friend today. he's gonna continue his master soon. Nick is going to Australia soon for his master. William is already doing master. all my classmate is now doing degree. what about me? i'm so left out. i dont want to be left behind. i need to get up Endy. for now, i need to go home to help my mom's business. i hope everything will go well soon. but hope is just a hope. with a corrupted place like Malaysia, how are we gonna survive?
i will write to you soon. take care Endy. miss you so much!
i wish i am,
Natasha
