He's Taken

Time: 5.37 a.m.
Venue: My room
Mood: Sad? Frustrated!
Condition: Tired!
Currently: Regreting for nto confessing my feeling towards him!

Endy,
remember the guy that i have a crush on? well... not that sunway student... he's still with me... i'm talking bout that guy who stay in KL... still.. can't pronounce his name here as he's also frequent reader... hurm... he gave me a hint yesterday... that he's gonna choose someone to be his special girl... and i know that i'm in his final two list!!! the chances are 50%-50%! and how stupid am i of ignoring that chances thinking that he's gonna choose me! i should've make some move! actually the chances are already 65%-35%! 65% for me, and 35% for that hot arabian chick of his! damn it! why on earth did i ignore that?????? am i over confident that he's gonna be mine?? or maybe it's just my pride that stop me from making some move! he tell me that that girl gave him some hint on moving to the next level of relationship! damn it! i really likes him! i really hope that he'll choose me and i'm quite sure yesterday that i already won him! god damn it she won! fuck man! Tasha, you gotta realize that you're ugly! next time make some move! i was smiling on webcam yesterday when he said that that girl wanted to be with him... he said he's still thinking over it... and i'm confident that he's gonna reject her! how stupid am i, Endy?? damn, he's gorgeous! i should've lower down my ego and tackle him or ask him out!!! omg!!! i really regret!! i tried my best to be close with him using my character... and he likes me as me! that's great! all of my effort for the past 1 month are useless now!

ok, let's forget bout him.... instead of thinking of that, i better think of how to get the other one! hehehe... well, that Sunway guy... this one i'm 100% confident that he's mine... hehehe... hey... tasha... stop talking bout guys!!!! haha... ok now let me tell you what happen today... opps... maybe it's more like yesterday! hahaha... it's friday today.... so yesterday.... i have full package of class!! from 8.30 a.m. to 5.30 p.m. with only 1 hour break at 12.30 p.m. hurm... ok here's the breakdown...

8.30 a.m. to 10.30 a.m.
Animation for Designer - Ms. Jaya
learn bout the button..

10.30 a.m. to 11.30 a.m.
Audio Production - Ms. Sara
discussing on final assesment, the radio drama which consist of 60% marks!

11.30 a.m. to 12.30 p.m.
E-Commerce -Ms. Lim
group discussion on Consumer Behaviour(ok this one is just a 1 hour of crap!)

12.30 p.m. - 1.30 p.m.
Lunch at Medan
with Emi and Vish

1.30 p.m. - 5.30 p.m.
Database - Ms. Vani
1 hour of boring lecture which i came in 15 minutes late and 3 hours of practical, doing the SELECT command... 21 questions took me almost 2 hours to finish, well, including surfing the net and chit chatting with Navdeep... hehe...

5.30 p.m.
finally get out from college!

hehehe... so, did u see how hectic my timetable is today??? well... i went to all of it!! surprisingly huh?? all 7 or the DMM folks went to class today! except for Raymond who didnt come to morning class! hehehe... that bugger!!! i went to pyramid straight after class... i wanted to buy a pair of jeans... and until today still cant find anything i like!! i wanted to buy from Googles... went there this evening and all they have are 2 designs that i already bought... tomorrow i'll go to Subang Parade with Emi... maybe Soda have nice jeans... hehee... maybe i'll get myself another shade of nail color too... oh ya... i have to get my brown shimmer blusher from Elianto... i love it!

i'm going to college today for consultation hour with Ms. Vani... well, it's not compulsory but i think i need it since i'm kinda confuse with that Database! i'm okay with the ERD and EERD concept, but i'm blurr of how to apply it through the assumption! as for practical... haha... u know me... i have no problem when it comes to practical... it's superb... then maybe me and Navdeep will go somewhere and watch movie... it's been a while since the last time i watch movie... the last one was with my girls, watching Resident Evil, right before i went back to Penang...

i woke up at 4 just now... now i cant sleep.... heehe... i really dunno what to do anymore... i'm trying to sleep now!!! oh... i almost forgot... i was kinda pissed today with my marks... i mean my radio advertisement marks... well, even though i got 2nd highest in class, i'm still not satisfy with it! she gave me 17.6% over 20 while i think i could at least get 18%! Melita is the highest with the mark 18.6%! i do believe that i could've got better... well, Melita deserve higher mark too!! she did well! and the best thing is... she gave Yong 10/10 for the same assignment!! well, he's in the other subject but they did learn a bit of audio... he had the same assignment... and she gave him full marks!! wtf!!!

ok, lets forget bout that... so, my plan for today is to go to college, then out with Navdeep, then out with Emi and Khalid later at night... tomorrow i'll go out with Kenneth and on Sunday i'll play pool... wtf? where's the study part?? none? Tasha, tasha! when are you gonna change?? my E-Commerce exam is on 3rd December and my Database is on 12th December... i guess i wont go back to Penang this year! well, good for me too because i think i wanna spend some time with Kenneth before he leave Malaysia.... he'll be going to Canada to pursue his second year of degree... i'm gonna miss him a lot!! a great companion! i feel sorry for him... i'm hurting him too much with my attitude of living with past... he's always there to listen to me!! i do appreciate that! i envy your patience towards me...

Endy, will you excuse me now? i wanna get ready for today... i have to polish my nails! can you imagine me going to college with my nail unpolish! yes, i did that yesterday! omg!!! so... i have to polish it today before going to college... i'll see you next time ok... i might not write tonight as i'll be home late... ok endy.. bye!

I still miss him,
Natasha

Time: 8.31 a.m.
Venue: Multimedia Production Lab, Sunway University College!
Mood: Blurr + Happy + Excited
Condition: ok ok i think..
Currently: Waiting for Animation class...

Endy,
hehe... sorry for not writing yesterday night... i was busy with few things... i'm going to pyramid later to buy few pair of jeans... hehehe... my final shopping and then i'm done... enough of shopping... i'm sick of it... it's frustrating finding for things that u like... today is the first day i come to class after so long... i kinda miss class... hehe... i cant type much... i'll continue at home later... bye...

sleepy,
tasha

Memories versus hates!

Time: 9:45 a.m.
Venue: My room
Mood: Pissed? Sad? only god knows...
Condition: Seriously... i dont know!
Currently: Thinking and reminiscing every single memories!

Endy,
phew... first of all... sorry for not updating here for a longggggggg time... i was seriously busy... i woke up early today... i came back from penang yesterday night.... then went to AC with Emi... hurm... she told me few things.... one of the thing is... Imran is coming to Malaysia... well... to meet his girlfriend here in Malaysia... one thing that i'm not satisfied with.... he told her that he's gonna explain everything to me in front of his girlfriend... well... you tell me! what's his point anyway? between us, there's a big gap and it's over... i knew that... i have a clear picture of that... no point of you explaining... IN FRONT OF YOUR GIRLFRIEND.... she dont even know me anyway... i have my own life now... do i ever disturb you, Imran? no right? so.... why dont you leave me alone... i never question you anything after that message i sent...

New chapter in my life have yet to get started... i'm happy with what i have now... yes... i'm still stuck with memories... but that doesnt give anyone the right to fool around with me... dont mess with me... i'm just the real Tasha once again... let's get real... face the world realisticly... after all this while, we never heard anything from him... no messages, no contact... nothing... well... i dont stop anyone from being with him... Emi told me that they're gonna meet him once he's here... well girls... dont feel hesitate to go... he's your friend anyway... no harm of meeting friends.... just dont mention anything bout me in front of him... he's having a beautiful life now... and that's what i want... i dont keep any bad memories with him... so, i do think that he deserve the best for his life... i've told you girls that i value nothing in his life... that's not his fault anyway... i'm the one who's stupid that can't read that from the beginning.... i should've read that earlier.... Endy, how stupid am i for not realizing the fact that i value nothing??? Nick was right... nobody could ever love me as much as he did... i could dare me with that... and yes... i could see that now... a very caring gentleman... yet a great friend! i've never met a person who cares that much about me, even after i broke up with him... i do respect you for that, Nick... not much people will have that kinda respect from me....

actually, i have so much to tell you... of what happen during the holiday which i enjoy to the max! then about my feelings and daily life.... well... today... my class start at 1.30... so i have plenty of time to get ready and all... right now... i just wanna sit down and think bout everything carefully... i chat with James yesterday night... he sound quite upset with my decision... i still can't accept him... i never did... he's a nice guy... but he's just not there in my heart.... he went offline all of the sudden... maybe he was mad at me... yeah... my mistake... i hurt someone!! that's bad! i know how it feel to be left behind... i'm so sorry James... i'm really am... i know i'm useless... to live my life everyday by reminiscing memories... i'm just stuck with my past... that's what i'm trying to fix right now... i'm living with memories and i hate it...

well... i have one good news for you and me.... i have a crush with this one guy... well... cant tell who because he's one of my frequent reader... hahahaa.... maybe i'll tell you once we're official... we're kinda dating each other... the best thing bout him is... he's exactly like me... he dont care if i have 100 guys with me of whatever... he said that he believe in competition... sounds familiar to you? yeah... that's me... i dont care if that guy have 100 girls... i do believe in competition... anyway... remember my favourite quote? if you love something, set it free... if it comes back, it's yours... if not, it was not meant to be... hehe... but i believe he's mine! hahahaahahaha.... there's no competition! oppss... Tasha is back right? with her high level of confidence! hahaha... phew... i miss myself! 70% of me are back... just need to pull the other 30%! i miss the old me... now, there's no such thing as loyalty... hehe.. well, it's ok if he wanted to be loyal to me... hehe...

hurm... another guy was upset yesterday night.... i was suppose to have a date with him... he had been planning and waiting for the date since last week... i cancelled it yesterday and he sounds mad... i'm sorry... i just dont have the mood to flirt... haha... i played pool for 2 hours yesterday... it was quite fun after 2 weeks of not playing... my game are miserable yesterday... haahhaha.... well... i wasn't concentrating anyway... i was busy checking out this guy... he's hot but too bad... he have a girl with him... haha... well... checking out doesnt give me any harm right??? hahahaha....

oh... i almost forgot... well... how can i forget one of the most important thing??? i perm my hair 2 days before raya... hahaha... i love it! and i change my style now... i dont know how many time do i wanna change my style... and i dont know how long this style gonna last! haha... well... nothing much... i just decided to wear jeans once again.... yes... i mean long pair of jeans.... i look totally different... hahaha... i changes everyone's perspective on me... but still... none of my habit and attitude change! hahahaha.... i might look nice... but i'm still the old TyrantTsarTash! so, dont mess with me... and my man! hahahaha... what's wrong with me today? i thought i was feeling whimsical bout my life just now???? ah... forget it... have a great day today, Tasha!!! go through another phase of life happily... never turn back!

Endy... give me 10 minutes break.... i'll continue later... i have to answer this phone call! hehehe... it's Nick...

hey... sorry... hehehehe... he says hi! i miss him... he's going back to California next week! i called him yesterday... he was drunk when i called him... hahaha... i requested him to stay with me this week... spend time together... then he said he's too dizzy to concentrate on what i'm saying... he said he'll call me once he woke up... and yes he did! hehehehe...Endy... it's almost 11... i'll see you later ok... i have to get ready for class... wanna take my time today!byee...

I still love him,
Natasha Farhana Leow

Am i suppose to be down or happy?

Time: 4:02 a.m.
Venue: My room
Mood: Fucked up!
Condition: blurr bout myself, my feelings and my crush!
Currently: Thinking of someone!

Endy,
I'll be dating someone tomorrow... well... can be counted as today since it's already 4.05 a.m. i'm feeling a bit blurr and sad... so i decided to write it here... i dont know is it me being down as usual or is it because of someone... i just cant predict myself... earlier this week, Michelle, one of my college-mate added me here in 360... until today, i didnt know that she actually wrote a blog here... am i the one who influence her?? haha.. i dont know... well, she have about 14 post... i read from the beginning and i saw one blog titled Networking(20/6/2007) posted on Thursday June 21, 2007 - 12:30pm (PDT). i read through that blog and she mentioned bout Imran... well... you can read it yourself... i already link it to her blog... she says that she have a secret between her and Imran and whatsoever... hurm... i never tell anybody bout our relationship... why must he tell michelle bout it??? i dont want to tell anybody... we broke up anyway... now, even my girls are pissed... they think that i dont deserve to be treated like this... well... not only bout the blog anyway... why the hell did i read her blog??? damn it... i'm trying so hard to forget him... why should i wait??? am i that stupid??? why should i long for someone who dont even care bout me??? so many guys out there...

phew... i told you just now that i'm having a date tomorrow right?? well... i dont know either i should cancel it or just go... i dont want to show my idiotic face to my date... he deserve to be treated nicely... he's a nice guy anyway... dont waste his time! but i just feel down today... i'm sick... i'm angry with myself... why cant i move on??? it's obvious that he just dont care! i'm so fucking stuck here!! and one thing that i dont like is... Michelle told him that i'm deeply in love with him... i dont know why she said that... well i dont blame her... it's obvious anyway.... i was not being myself for teh past few months... i was down.. i didnt talk much... i was not being myself... anybody could sense that... it's just that people dont know what's going on!

i'm never gonna tell people how stupid am i waiting for someone who dont even care bout me! this is one of the biggest failure in life that i should keep deep inside my heart and never never repeat it again... this week i rejected 2 of my dates... i sound so harsh on them... but i cant help it... they're being to pushy... i'm sorry guys... it's just me being honest! i cant accept anybody who i dont love... love is one big deal for me!

hurm... Endy... let me finish reading Michelle's blog first... then maybe i'll continue writing to you if i'm not too sleepy! ok??? oh... i have to read Mei Phing's blog too! heheheh... i like her blog!!! be right back!

I miss him,
Natasha

Early Saturday once again!

Time 9:05 a.m.
Venue: My room, Sunway!
Mood: excited! i think...
Condition: all set to start a new day, except for a cup of coffee
Currently: Ready to start a new day!

Endy,
phew... what the hell am i doing early morning? i think my biological clock has gone normal... i sleep at eleven yesterday and woke up at 4 something... i ate 4 pieces of sesame oat cracker and drank a few sip of mineral water... then i check my mail and myspace... one of my friend called me and talk for 1 hour and 12 minutes... phew... thanks to hotlink super saver... now everybody start calling me and make me talk on the phone for more than 5 minutes... that's so unhealthy! as if i lead a healthy life! hahaha... so, just now i spend 2-3 minutes to sketch out my planner for today.... it goes like this;

11 a.m. - Go to library = finish up presentation, storyboard and website research.
3 p.m. - Go back home(since library close at 3) = takes about 20 minutes to reach home!
around 3.30 p.m. - take a rest for a while, maybe check mails and my friendster.
4 p.m. - Start implementing my website on Penang food(LFC ask me to do this topic!).
6 p.m. - Get ready for break fasting!
7 p.m. - Dunno where i'm gonna eat, so i'll be somewhere in Sunway, eating!
9 p.m. - i'll be playing pool i guess, or else, i'll be home!
11p.m. - Sleep, if i do so! if not, ONLINE!

so, my target today is;

• finish up animation for designer presentation - titled 2D Animation.
• finish up storyboard for my 50% assignment for animation for designer.
• do the research on Penang food website!

hurm.... so, will you excuse me now? wanna sort few things up... wanna pack up things to bring to library... hehehe... oh... not to forget... the most important thing of all... my sweater! or i'll be freezing inside the freaking cold library!!! hahaha... see you Endy... byebye...

Busy,
Tasha

Date?

Time: 8.34 a.m.
Venue: what do you think? where am i? duhhhh...
Mood: little bit of sadness wont kill huh?
Condition: Missing him badly...
Currently: reminiscing our sweet memories... god knows how much i love him!

Endy,
phew.... i cant believe it... it's Friday morning and i'm up so early!! i should've sleep more! well, i woke up around 5.15 a.m. hehe... i ate a slice of marble cheesecake that i bought with Emi yesterday night... we went to Secret Recipe for our break fasting.... i ate my favourite chicken cordon bleu... hehehe... well, since i woke up early in the morning, i just check few stuff... check my myspace, friendster and myyearbook... i clean up my room... change the position of the furniture... dusk everything out... i just need to throw the rubbish later on... hehehe... i have a storyboard that i need to pass up next monday... and not to forget... my 2D Animation presentation is also next week.... hurm... i pass up my first assessment for this semester which is the Audio Production assessment... it's about Penang Island Tourism spot.. hahah... i think i just talk rubbish in the assessment... but i kinda like it... no formal languages... hehehe...

phew... i have a date today... hehehe... i dunno either i'm really going or not... he's kinda nice... maybe i should give it a try... haha... damn... how many guys do i date in a week? hurm... let me see.... at least 1 per day... so? 7 per week... hahahaha... Tasha.. Tasha... when are you gonna stop being a bad girl?? ok... let's cut out the crap...

so... when i was bored just now... i browse through all of my photo in myspace... well... u know that i still have his photo in my myspace... i look at us... well... it really brought back the memories... even now, i'm still smiling bout it... gosh!!

ahemm... so what i'm gonna do today... no more misery please... cut it out man!!! maybe i should ask Emi to go pool.... hehe.. i miss pool!!! its been 3 days i didnt touch the cue!! i miss it!! hey Endy... i think i wanna sleep for a while... it's nice to sleep at this hour... it's not everyday that i can woke up late!! hahaha... ok... catcha soon... bubye...

missing him,
tasha

Emi's Birthday!

Time: 8:01 a.m.
Venue: what do you think?
Mood: Happy!
Condition: I'm fine with life now, for the time being, i guess!
Currently: Getting rid of the memory of him bit by bit...

Endy,
First of all, Happy Birthday to Emi... Who's Emi? well, Emi is my best friend, housemate and classmate! phew... how many hours a day did i spent my time with her? you make the calculation... haha... well, she turns 22 on 18th September 2007... Why am i telling this in here? because she's one of the most important person in my life... she cared bout me... she's the witness of my beautiful moment with him... she was there when i was down... she pick me up when i was torn into pieces... and the most important thing of all is, she's my best best friend and i really do love her!!!

Well, we celebrated her birthday yesterday night at Sushi King, Sunway Pyramid... nothing special there but all that matters are who are there... Me, Emi(of course!), Maryam(another best friend of mine & also the final member of our house!), Alyaa(the person who assume our house as her second house! trust me, she spent her time more at my place than her own house!), Munnie(Alyaa's KDU mate), Tasha Rene(our close friend and classmate, you can assume her as my twins!), and last but not least, Michelle(our classmate!). Me and Alyaa bought her a chocolate+strawberry cake... Alyaa choose the cake anyway... hehehe... we spent around 2 hours eating and taking pictures!! phew... i'll talk bout the pictures part later on!!

After the dinner, we floiter around Sunway Pyramid and have some crazy moment... Then, we're off to our favourite place of all, Asia Cafe!! hhahaha... it's pool time!! Maryam and Alyaa went back earlier since they're tired... well, speaking of TIRED, trust me, i am seriously exhausted.... but for the sake of Emi, i just forget bout it and try not to show the "tired" face in front of her... another thing, i have assignment that i need to pass up by today... i was suppose to finish it yesterday!! well, i dont mind sacrificing for my best friend!! not that i want any reward anyway... just a note! hehe...

Well, it turn out that i didn't make a mistake by going to Asia Cafe... first of all, of course, i enjoy playing pool... second, we met our former classmate a.k.a. Emi's best friend in class in semester 1, Jabir or you can address him as Ja... we call him Ja! well, we actually promise to meet there, it's not a coincidence... hehhe.... he came with a very fascinating t-shirt... i love the t-shirt... haha... they printed a big sign of FUCK at the back of the shirt! Ja looks different now... totally different... what the hell Ja! you change a lot!! now, you're so naughty!!! compared to whom i met in semester 1!! hahaha.... i do miss you, pal! miss arguing with you in class!! why must you go to APIIT!!!! anyway, he's going back to Oman on 25th September for his holiday... his coming back on mid-October.... we're so gonna miss you ok! the next time you come, bring your extra shirt and overnight at our place!!! trust me, you're gonna love it!

Ok ok... let's stop that story... let's continue... so, Me, Emi, Rene and Michelle waited for Ja at the big screen area... i had my Apple juice and Rene ordered Orange juice... we're crapping and talking and updating each other on our daily life since our timetable is quite hectic nowadays... we dont have time to meet each other... another thing is, it's Ramadhan... i usually meet Rene at the food court or restaurant nearby our college for lunch... hehehe... after Ja arrive, we went straight to pool! hahaha... can't wait to play!!!! we open 2 middle table... we dont need to wait for the table! i'm happy! haha... we usually need to wait since Asia Cafe is always full! i love the table anyway! i play a lot yesterday...

Hey... there's a lot of cute guys yesterday night!! i was too busy playing and checking out on them... well, you know what?? they're checking out on me too... i noticed that... hahahhahaha.... after a while, Ja's friends came... 6 of them! haha... we continue playing until 1.30 a.m. oh, did i mention that Luke came by too? he played few frame and we went back, since he came with a friend... hehehe... after pool, we went to the big screen again and have our supper... haha... i ate spaghetty... but i couldn't finish it... it's too much... i can't even finish my iced lemon tea! thanks to Rene... she finish up everything for me!!

ok, let's talk bout the pictures now before i stop writing to you... i have to stop writing soon since i have to edit my audio assignment... well, i took exactly 823mb photographs which consist of 797 pictures... sounds interesting? you give it a try!!! it's tiring!! well, not all picture are well taken... i'm a beginner anyway... hahaha... only 756mb @ 714 pictures are nicely taken! well, imagine if i were to edit all of the picture?? phew.... i'm not gonna edit all... just gonna edit around 100-200 pictures... the rest, so sorry!! i cant... i'm not a full time photographer... hehehe.... anyway.... i love camera that i used yesterday night!! it's heavier than the camera that i wanna buy which is the Nikon D40x.... yesterday i used Nikon D80... phew.... it's seriously tiring! a photographer who wears 3 inch heels! imagine that! hahah... standing, squatting and sitting down on the dirty floor just to capture unique pose and angle! hahaha.... i love it anyway... just that when i start my official day as photographer one day, reminds me not to wear heels! hahaha... maybe i should start wear ballerina.... hehehe... or peep toe.... wedges sounds interesting too... hehehe...

ok, let's stop my passion towards shoes or i'll start talking bout each of my heels to you! hahaaha... oh ya... i almost forgot... i have interesting story to tell you... hahahaha... remember that guy that i admire? haha... well, i'm actually guilty because i promise him that i'm gonna meet him last night... he accompany me home earlier that day... well, he look kinda worried... i dont know why... just before he left my apartment, i gave him a big hug... when i try to let go, he's still holding my waist... you know what? he tried to kiss me! haahah.... i was surprise... seriously surprise! i didnt know that he has an eye for me... i mean, for real! he's always mysterious.... the way he communicate brings double meaning... you know, reverse psychology! haha... well, i'm good at it... shoot me with it! haha... what should i do? i know i owe him an apology! i'm so sorry! i didnt make it.. i know i was suppose to drop by at your place... hehehe... i'll see you later in college!!

about another senior that i tell you the other day... i keep reminding him that i'm not his girlfriend... i belong to Mr. nobody! i belong to me!! hehehe... i think he got the idea of that since i saw his status in MSN yesterday... sounds depressed! he wanted to see me yesterday... well, frankly speaking, i need a break from meeting him... i met him everyday... that's kinda sickening right?? well, it's not if you're my special guy! hurm.... did i tell you bout a guy name Brian? one of the best hip hop dancer i've ever met! he's great... he asked me out!! damn... he have this Reunion dinner thing somewhere in October... he asked me to be his date for that day! haha... and he said, if i love it, we could plan on more dates! ahahhaaha... life's wonderful huh? he's seriously gorgeous! he have tremendous smile! and of course, i'm attracted to his dance!!! oh shit Tasha!! stop imagining!! you're fasting! hahaha...

Hey, i think i got to go... my class started at 12.30 p.m. but i still need to do my work... i'm up early huh today? haha... i dont know why... i was up since 7 a.m. i slept around 4... i started to feel sleepy anyway... but i shouldnt sleep!! i have assignment that need to be done!! i only have 3 hours class today which is the islamic studies, Animation for designer and Audio production... kinda relax day right??? dont be happy yet for me.... look at tomorrow's timetable!!! class start at 8.30 until 4.30!! i seriously hate morning class!! hahaha.... ok ok.... i'll stop nagging and complaining now! i'll see you... hurm... maybe tonight or the latest is tomorrow night... ok? byebye...

Trying to enjoy my youth,
&
deleting memories,
Natasha!

Assignment!

Time: 6:22 a.m.
Venue: Where else?
Mood: Fresh!
Condition: Fully energized to start a new day!
Currently: Trying to forget bout personal, just being educational person today!

Endy,
hehehe... what the heck with me today? dont ask! haha... i dont know... i've finish doing my planner for today... hehehe... suprising huh?? and i kinda figure out something new for my blog... i'm gonna add new thing here... which is my target of the day and some checklist... nahh... dont worry, not gonna start it today... i dont want you to get heart attack... hehehe.... phew... i feel like i'm back to the busy Tasha... the Tasha who always concentrate on work... can you imagine that i have planner for the whole day? phew... it reminds me of my office work... oh.... i miss my office so much!!! when can i sit there once again? i'm sure my dad not gonna allow me to be there until i finish up my Master... hahah... damn it!

so, today i plan to go early since i cant sleep right now... i dont want to waste time... i think it's time to start working on my goal, an A for each subject! hahaha.... so today i'm gonna finish up my presentation on Animation For Designer subject titled 2D Animation... next, i'll do some research on my Islamic Studies presentation... this is a bit laid back since we're allowed to choose our own topic... any topic will do... hehe... after that, i'm gonna decide on my E-Commerce website item and do research on it... finally, i'm gonna do research for that Flash assignment, if i had finish the research on that E-Commerce item... phew... are you snoring? sorry to bore you!! haha.... full of research huh?? today is my research day!! hahaha.... i need to start implementing my website and my flash assignment by this week... i dont want to do it last minute anymore... like last semester... i screwed up last semester... this semester... no more failure... not only this semester... no failure in life anymore! you're gonna hear great piece of work from me! hehehe.... wahh.... what an ambition huh??? it's freakin' hard to achieve it!! well, it's better than i'm feeling whimsical bout life and blaming myself day by day, right?

ok... for today, i'm gonna make sure i have things in mind... basic research need to be done in order to get the idea of my project... then i need to draw a storyboard for my website... i'm so worried for the website... it's not hard to create a website, but takes lots of effort to collect all of the info and putting them together with all the features.... in short, it takes time!! that's why i'm so worried bout it... i need at least 2 weeks, i mean 2 weeks a.k.a. 14 days to work on it... it can't be done in 3-4 days!! yet, i havent receive my case studies on MySQL subject yet... but i think i'll b fine with it since i like that subject... i'm absorbing the language of MySQL easily... haha... maybe because i've learn it before... phew... i could feel the pressure of this semester!! a hectic one... just like last semester... well, maybe it could be better this semester... since i dont have any guy to think of! haha... opps.. i do have, but i choose not to think of them... them? yes, them! hahaha... i've told you right? no more loyalty! back to the Tasha!

Ok Endy, it's almost 7... wanna check some email... check myspace, friendster, hi5, myyearbook, facebook, multiply and bla bla bla... hahaha... that will cost at least 1 hour of my time... i usually spend 3-5 hours just on checking and updating that... hahahaha.... but today i'm just gonna check the highlighted friends mail! hahaha... in Myspace i have around 150++ message that i havent reply... dont they have anything to do??? phew... i'm tired of answering their question! ok Endy... see you! haha...

fresh and ready,
Natasha

Miss Him

Time: 8:19 a.m.
Venue: Still the same place!
Mood: Sad
Condition: Sick!
Currently: Chatting with my fren + missing him!

Endy,
i miss him, i miss him, i miss him!!!! how am i suppose to survive Endy?? every single breath i take, i could feel the rhythm of his love... every single step i took, will bring me back to the past... every single time i spent, it felt nothing but emptiness! Rene ask me to give up on him... she said that i should move on... i'm trying my best Endy... it's not that i dont try... i wish i could be like him... just forget bout me and start a new life... how could i be that cruel Endy?? leaving this beautiful feeling! sometimes... i do blame destiny for doing this to me... i knew i cant do that... this is my fate... i shouldn't act like this! i should move on... yeah... i think more than 100 people had said that to me... easy to say... i'm not that kinda person who take things easily... when i'm in love with someone, that's it... it'll remain there forever... i just want one thing in life Endy... and that's him! i'm willing to let go everything... Endy... i'm trying my best to stop my tears from dropping... maybe i was just not good enough... am i weak Endy? i cried too much! where's my strength? sometimes i felt like i have it.. sometimes i felt like i lost it... i'm gasping for air of love Endy... how i wish he's here to comfort me... drag me out of this loneliness... calm me down with his wise words... put a smile on my face with his jokes... i miss him teasing me... i miss him kissing me... and i miss hugging him... god knows how much i misses him! will he come back to me? i know, clearly, the answer is no... i know he's not interested even to message me anymore... then why the hell am i waiting for him??? he hurt me! too bad... i love him until that level that i could bare with everything that he did to me...

Endy,
sometimes, when i saw him online, i really wanted to say Hi to him... but i reminded myself that i've already promise him that i'm not gonna disturb him anymore... i'm just gonna wait for him right here... that's what i promise... everybody said that i'm crazy for sacrificing myself just like that... everybody said that i should move on... yes... i admit... i've been dating few guys these days... but i just dont feel the spark... even with that guy that i have a crush on last year! phew... life is getting more and more complicated... i just need to bare with it... i cant wait to finish this diploma and get out of malaysia... go back to california and have a life there... i miss it... hurm... Endy... i think i cant take it anymore... i'm just pretending! i cant forget him... seriously! i cant move on!

right now, i can only pray for his happiness... i dont want him to have any misery in life... let me have it all... i'll be happy enough to watch him from far... after what had happen these few days... i do realize how much i love him... i realize how high do i look at him... i realize how i adore him... nobody could ever replace him... i know, i'm an idiot.. longing for him, while he might be laughing right now... looking at me being sad and being a loser... this is what i feel... if i have a choice, i dont even want to know him..... gosh... why did i follow Michelle that day?? i should just go back home... i made a huge mistake that night! i regret it! now i'm stuck... Sunway was suppose to promise me a new life... but instead of having a fun new life, i ruin it by accepting another guy into my life!

oh, i forgot to tell you... i went to the playground last night... i dont know how did that guy found me... it was 2 o'clock in the morning... i'm all alone there with few guys that look like monkeys... i'm doing my Sudoku puzzles... the minute i turn around... i saw him standing beside me... i pull out faces! seriously... throughout our meeting that night...i was seriously being nasty.... i know it hurts him a lot! too bad... you made the mistake... not me... and he keep asking me what did he do... i seriously annoy him with my nasty language... i dont care... he's the one responsible of making me remembering all those beautiful moments with Imran... so he pay for it... get lost from my life... i'm Tash now... i just delete him from my life... i told him that i dont want to see his face anymore... and i told him to get lost....

phew... i'm tired Endy... i didnt sleep whole night... thinking of my life... i gtg... bye...

should i wait for you???
Natasha

Missing someone badly!

Time: 6.21 a.m.
Venue: My room

Mood: Sad
Condition: half of my willingness to life are gone!
Currently: missing him!

Endy,
as i told you, i've been dating one of my senior these few days.... well, i liked him... and i knew he likes me too... hurm... i think today i'm going to tell him that i need to pull this over... i'm being fake... yes, i like him... but i dont love him... he's getting serious now... he wants me to be loyal to him... how am i suppose to be loyal to him while i'm loving and missing someone else? i cant be cheating on him...i dont want to hurt anybody... i know it hurts... because i've been through it... so i better call it out... i'm sorry... but i have to be frank with myself... i check my email just now... i check my folders... i have one folder that i'll save all of my favourite mails from friends... i suddenly saw 1 mail from him.... i already forgotten that i have that mail... it was an image edited by him... it says,

If you need a place to hide,
you can hold my hand for a while.
If your skies begins to fall,
I'll stay with you till you smile....

well, it might be just a normal word for others.... but it meant a lot for me... i've receive so much promises from him... well.. i dont blame anybody for everything that happen... i'm just here thinking where did i go wrong? in the past few days, i found out that few of my seniors are admiring me... i was shocked.... why all of the sudden? their excuse is they're scared that i might have someone in my life... well, i told them that i'm single... but i'm not available... i prefer to be alone... i even said it to one of the guy that i've been admiring since 2nd day in college... a very nice guy... but yet, he's not my type of person...

phew... i forgot to tell you bout the Youth@Research thing huh? haha... well, they said that i'm splendid on that day... i finally decided to wear peach colour baju kebaya.... well, kinda hard to walk since i'm not used to long skirt... hahaa.... but everybody said that i look amazing in that kebaya... hurm... whatever... the thing that matter the most is my work! well, everybody said that i handle the ceremony proffesionally... my voice was gracious and my accent are good... well, that's what they said... i dont know... i was mad at someone on that day, since she's been disturbing my work... she's been changing my emcee script... if she's that good, why dont she become the emcee instead of me and Usaid??? haha... whatever... i dont want to think bout it now...

i skip class yesterday... hurm... the yesterday i'm referring to is Tuesday... i didnt go class at all... phew... how am i gonna survive??? i'm making myself busy with pool now... they said i play like a guy now... i keep hitting the ball with full strength... maybe they're scared now! haha... well, fyi, that's how i play before i stop playing few years back... so, now i'm back!!! hehehehe... but i dont like myself being ignorance to my studies... i need to start putting discipline to myself back!!! need to become the good and angel tasha once again...

oh ya... i have another thing to tell you... i think now almost everybody in SCT know bout the rumours that been spreading around... they said that i'm someone's gf... of course i wont spell out the name here.... well... i dont know what to say... let's see what will happen tomorrow... most of my lecturers knew bout it too... especially miss sophia! phew... i'm gonna get a hard time trying to convince her that i'm not attach to anyone... i'm single!! no more guys after this... i'm tired... tired of being fool and cheated again and again...

Endy,
do you think that i should wait for him??? i love him... i really do... but there's no point of me waiting if he dont even care bout me... he might be attach to someone right now... well, what can i say... everybody wants him... unlike me... nobody wants me! well, minus all of the guys who admire me anyway... hehe... they're seriously not my type... as for nick... he's driving me crazy... his mom called my mom... telling her that me and him should get engage... crazy! there's no way that i'm going back to that guy! he's a nice guy... but it's impossible for us to live together... i know exactly who he is! i told my mom that he's no more my sweetheart.... i'm in love with someone else, even though that person doesnt love me... he dont even care bout me... but the most important thing is... i dont lie to myself... i'm being frank here to myself saying that i love him... yes, i know i should move on... i will... but it takes time... i'm gonna take my own sweet time... i'm still young... come on... i'm just 19! i have at least another 50 years to life on this earth... well, whatever it is.. i'm now 90% healed... just 10% stuck there with him... and i'm trying my best to get back my heart from him!i need it back to start a new life...

well, now i guess he's happy with his girl... i told him that i'm not gonna contact him anymore... i'm just gonna wait here for him... and until this second, i still manage to stop myself from messaging, calling and PMing him on MSN... i dont want to disturb him anymore... it's enough of me being hurt here... i dont want any other girls to face the same problem too.... and the most important thing of all... i know he just want to get rid of me... so, that's what i did... i do him a favor... i get rid of myself from him... i know he wont tell me to stop contacting him... because he's that kinda person... he dont speak... not like me... i speak my heart out! now, i guess he's having a peaceful life there without my name...

Natasha Farhana Leow,
you're born to be the winner... you're born to have the limelight... you're born to lead... you're born to have a successful life! well, you shouldn't be sa anymore... why the hell did you cry yesterday afternoon? you cry over a love song? ridiculous!did u see how stupid you are? longing for someone that dont even care bout you!everybody look up on you... why should you look back and cry while everybody is expecting you to do great? everybody beleives that you'll make a change... a major one! you did it before... why not now?? it's not that you're not used to it! use your loud voices to help others! use your capability of public speaking to change everyone's thinking! i thought that was your main issue before this??? you wanna fight for liberalization, right? where is that ambitious Tasha? has she gone mad or something? where is your women's right proposal? start to work on it! grab back your level of confidence... you're doing great now... everybody actually notice you now! almost everybody in school recognise you now... so, find the right time to shoot the issues! you're not looking for attention... it's just your nature that people pay attention on you! it's not because of your style or dress up... it's the way you bring yourself! stop hiding because no matter how hard you try to hide, people will still notice that Natasha is right there... they notice you for your uniqeness... come on Tasha... wake up from this nightmare! your studies need you... your company need you... how will the textile business gonna run if you didnt pay attention on it??? you're doing great on importing it!! dealing with dealers all over Malaysia... you're doing a good job! you're a very good executive marketing person... keep it up!

phew.... what the hell? i'm i praising myself too high? haha... who cares... i'm back... my level of confidence are reaching the skies now... well, you can call it ego or pride... whatever... because i just dont care anymore... i felt better now!! thanks for being here with me Endy... how i wish that you're still here on earth... maybe i'll fall in love with you! hahaha...such a gentleman... i adore you! Serena is very lucky to have you as her guy... it's just that fate didnt allow us to be together... but she's doing great... she's happy with her work now... i met her sometimes for cup of coffee... but deep in her eyes, i could see how much she loves you... until today Endy... she couldnt forget you... i could see that... dont worry... i'll have an eye on her.... i'll monitor her for you...

ok Endy... i better get some rest today... i'm tired... i went to AC last night... then we went to A&W and ss13 for supper and straight to Golden Break Pool just nearby the Mentari Court... hehe... i dont know how many hours i played today... i guess it's my passion now! haha... ok, see you soon... i love you pal! byebye....

longing for you,
Natasha Farhana Leow